perfectly broken

It's been said that friendship isn't a big thing, but instead a million little things. I have truly come to know what this really means lately. God has really been challenging me these past couple weeks, he has been breaking me day in and day out, tempting me every waking moment, and testing me with every breath I take. But I haven't been alone... he has given me these wonderful people in my life who support me. People like my family, my sister, my brothers, my parents.... people like my friends, Kristen, Kd, Sarah, Sophie.... So many people that have been supporting me through everything lately, not for themselves but for me. 

Today was a rainy day again... and after work I went shopping with Kd. We went into Nordstrom Rack and both found a couple good things including some new rings :) We spent the afternoon shopping and getting coffee and catching up..... and the thing I love about Kd is that she let's me talk, and she tells me how it is. After our great shopping afternoon, she took me to her church in San Marcos and I wasn't really sure what I was in for. Before the speaker began his sermon he prayed for open hearts and ears... and I quietly asked God to open my heart and my ears to what he had to say... and he blew me away. 

The sermon was on David and Bathsheba... a story I had heard a thousand times, but somehow I heard it differently this time. After telling the story, the speaker took us to Psalm 51 which was David's Psalm when he was talking to God after he had punished David. 

The speaker took it word by word and explained it so perfectly. He broke down certain words and told us what each meant in the original context in Hebrew... I learned a few things...

First, I learned that inequity is a natural bend towards something we do wrong.... the fact that we were born with this internal sin, this idea of inequity was built into us, that we have this ongoing sin-nature, and that the actual word sin was taken from when an arrow strayed from missing the target or the mark.... 

Then he broke it down, on what sin actually was... and he broke it into 5 different points:

1. Sin... is a distrust in God. It is something we do against God directly, and it is us telling him that we have something better planned, that we have a better view of the world. 

2. When we sin, it is stated in the bible that death is the verdict, in order to pay for our sins we needed to die... but Jesus did that for us on the cross so we wouldn't have to die.

3. Sin is nature more than action, it is something planted in us since birth. Sin was never taught to us, instead it was something we have always had in the roots of our soul. 

4. Sin demands compassion and grace on others... Jesus didn't die on the cross for us to keep his compassion and grace selfishly to ourselves.... instead we should be sharing those with those who are undeserving, as we are. 

5. Lastly... God never asks you to be perfect... but he DOES ask us to be broken. 

That last one killed me, I literally felt my heart just shatter inside my chest...

Like I learned at Hume this past Summer... David was a man after God's own heart. David was probably one of the most imperfect people in the entire bible, who was named King and the ONLY man in the bible to have been after God's own heart.... and God didn't choose him because he was perfect, David wasn't a man after God's own heart because he was perfect.... but it was because he was broken. 

I wish I could sit here and restate everything the pastor said tonight... because I would if I could... but if it's anything I took from this... it's that I am so broken, and that I want to be. I want God to break me on a daily basis, and then heal me....

I want to be a woman after God's own heart, not because I'm perfect or live a perfect life... but because I am broken.... but I surrender completely to God. 

This video is Psalm 51.... I encourage you to listen and let it speak to you <3

xoxo,

Jewel