Laughter, an inner quality, mood or disposition or an expression of amusement. Lately, I have found that laughter cures just about anything and that friendship is worth more than money can buy. Friday night, I had the opportunity to stay the night on the beautiful Balboa Island with my beautiful friends: Sarah, Kd, and Sophie. The night consisted of dinner on the water, a ride on the ferry, and a late night in the apartment. We made videos and took pictures that we would look back and laugh on, and we spent time together laughing.
After falling asleep in the main room with Kd, we woke up to the most beautiful day outside our windows. Kd and I laid there and talked about just how blessed we were to be able to wake up to such a beautiful place. From there, we got ready and walked around the Island, getting yogurt parfaits and coffee :)
After our wonderful tour around the island, we made our way to fashion island where we shopped all day enjoying eachothers company. On the way home, Kd, Sarah, and I blasted Taylor Swift and shouted the words to all the songs and I just sat there in contentment. We sang and we laughed and just enjoyed each other's company. I am so blessed to have these girls in my life, to have them encourage me and look out for me at all times.
When I finally got home, I hugged my daddy who I hadn't seen because he had been away at work. Then I got to go out to dinner with my parents and just me... I felt like an only child, but I loved the quality time. I feel as though my weekend has only begun, excited for Sarah's halloween party on monday :)
xoxo,
Jewels
What we woke up to :)
Sarah <3
I wish I could explain, but this sums up our friendship hahah
Shaun Marler once said, “If you want something that you’ve never had, then you have to be willing to do something you’ve never done.” I have been paying closer attention to things lately whether it is words of a song or a quote as simple as this one. I’ve found that when I allowed myself to soak up words, they have a greater significance in my life. This idea of doing something you’ve never done in order to get something you’ve never had is such an intriguing concept… And then I thought about it a little longer and a little harder.
Lately, my life has been more different than ever. I have been spending more time with new people in my life, like Kd and Chris… and enjoying what every day has to offer me. I have found that my passion for music is even greater than I had thought before and that my love for playing the piano won’t ever fade. But more significantly, I’ve found that putting my life in God’s hands has given me opportunity, it has given me strength, and he has blessed me with true, abundant happiness. On my way to school this morning, I was feeling more tired than I usually do, so I picked up a coffee on the way. I plugged in my iPod to listen to some early morning worship to get my day started off right. As I listened to the words of one of the songs I had known for a great deal of time, I caught onto one phrase: “the art of losing myself in bringing you praise.”
An art, this idea of the production of something beautiful or extraordinary. How could losing myself possibly be an art? Something beautiful or extraordinary? As I was talking to God about this, I had a realization.
Months ago, I decided to give up myself. Whether it was through making my own decisions or trying to live the life I wanted… I had to give it up. Everything I had been trying to do based off my own knowledge, was failing. As much as I thought I was doing what was right for myself, I was wrong in the eyes of the Lord. I had to do something I’ve never done, to get something I’ve never had. Months ago, I lost myself to the Lord… I gave it all back to him because I could no longer attempt to control my life on my own. Through that revelation, came praise. An art of losing myself, in bringing you praise. I love bringing praise to God; I love making him joyful and living out his plan.
I am working on becoming a woman after God’s own heart and going through a study on this right now… and every day when I get into the word and this study, God blesses me with this passion and strength whether it be through writing or screaming the words of a song.
God, thank you, if only there were words greater than those. If only the words that I speak and write could describe you, but you are immeasurable and indescribable. You give everything that is good and bless me with immense passion for you. Continue to work in me, work through me, so I can work for you. May in all my ways, surrender to you…. Lead me in the way of everlasting <3
I have heard this phrase thousand and thousands of times, and yet I hear it and disregard it as if I already know what it truly means. But do I? the FIRST day of the rest of my life... The past doesn't matter, whether it was wonderful or full of difficulties. All that matters is that it happened and that I learned from it. I once heard a small tidbit of knowledge that went something like this: If you have one eye on yesterday, and one eye on tomorrow, you are going to be cockeyed today. How true is that?
Lately, I have been ceasing the day and living my days to their fullest. I promised myself a couple weeks ago that I would actually live my life, no regrets, nothing holding me back. I cannot even imagine what the rest of my life is going to look like if I keep this perspective, which I am :)
One of the things I have been getting into more is music, of course spending a lot of time at the piano, I have also been getting into concerts. After going to a Ray LaMontagne concert at the end of Summer, I decided I was going to give into my love for it a little more. So last night, I went with my friend Kd to see David Cook, Carolina Liar, and Gavin DeGraw :) AND after the show... we got a meet and greet with Gavin and David, I wish I could describe it.... but I can't, it was just wonderful.
The concert was absolutely incredible, we stood the entire time when Gavin was on stage... Certain songs that had great significance to me, just touched my heart. Our seats were so close, we were able to see Gavin perform up close... and in the middle of one of his songs, he looked and pointed right at Kd and I.... and Kd and I just looked at each other and burst into excitement... it was amazing.
After starting off my week like that, there is no way the rest of the week can't be amazing. It's going to be full of friends, shopping for more pieces of our Indian costumes for Halloween, girls night, Church, Pumpkin carving, Hiking at Torrey Pines, Balboa Island, and a fun Halloween get-together party!! Of course there are other things I am excited for too :) But I will contain my excitement :)
Hope everyone's week is as wonderful as mine will be :)
Well it is Sunday evening and I am feeling very excited for this next week and the festivities that I have planned ahead of me :) Tomorrow after work, I am going to Kd to see Gavin Degraw at Humphrey's by the Bay which I am SO looking forward to... she got us the tickets and it's going to be a great little date night for us :) Then on Friday night we are having a girls night! She invited us to come and stay at her apartment on Balboa Island for the night and I am even more excited because my best friend Sophy is going to come too!!! Saturday night I am going to visit my sister who will be camping with the family on the beach in Carlsbad, then Sunday night I am celebrating Halloween with some friends! With an eventful week ahead of me, I reflect on the past week and today and I am so thankful for this life that I am living for God.
Church this morning was on sharing your faith as a church, which meant consistently sharing the Gospel and our lives with others. Pastor Bill broke it into 3 parts of what was needed in order to share our faith.
1. Relevant Priorities
2. Flawless Integrity
3. Sacrificial Commitment
It was all about living a life that was worthy of God, something that required sacrafice... Something that modeled Jesus Christ. The thing I found most moving and interesting was when the pastor said that there was no substitute for that kind of life or that kind of God and the foundation of a faith like that is just living a life for Jesus. The pastor read from 1 Thessalonians, "We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the Gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us." I love sharing my faith and my passion for God with the people around me. So tonight, I finish off my week with some time spent in the word and some time spent with Jesus :) in some nice warm socks and delicious hot cocoa in my new mug from Kd <3 and I pray that I can model a life like that for Jesus.
I am finishing off a busy school week with some peace and quiet in my own room. As I laid in my bed and tried to translate my thoughts and make sense of this past week, I asked God what he wants of me. Lately, He has surrounded me with wonderful people with a passion and love for God... but something was still missing and it was my own personal study. As much as I was trying to just read straight from the bible, I found it hard to stay accountable.
As I laid on my bed mid-conversation with God, I got up and walked to my bookshelf where my eyes led me to a study book that I never actually started. Three study books compiled into one book... and the first titled: A Woman After God's Own Heart. I smiled, and found myself down memory lane.
Some of my beautiful Campers :)
This past Summer, I was asked by my Pastor if I wanted to be a Junior High counselor at Hume Lake Christian Camps, a camp I had attended throughout High School. Prior to this, I asked God to open some doors for me, and he surprised me with this one. Going out of my comfort zone, I counseled 7 girls and I had one of the best times... And during that week we studied David and how he was a man after God's own heart. I could go on and on and on about David and how he changed my life, but that will be another post... :)
When I opened the study book, I didn't know what to expect... God has been surprising me a lot lately, throwing my curveballs and making sure I am paying attention. Sometimes, I think our God has a sense of humor because he gets my attention in the most entertaining ways. I had been so caught up in the world this past year, trying to be good, trying to be better, trying to be the best... basically, setting myself up for failure.
When I read the first chapter of my study tonight it was about a heart devoted to God and what that takes. It is a daily commitment, a daily battle... a constant practice. When reaching the end of the study, I read the words, "Good, better, best, never let it rest... until your good is better and your better, best."
My heart just burned inside my chest and I just felt God in my presence and it was just so powerful and I didn't want the moment to leave. So why should it have to? Why should we only have those rare moments with God.... why can't we feel that throughout our day, what is stopping us? Nothing ... nothing besides the devil and our own beings.
I encourage you this week, or even just for a day. Commit yourself, give your day to him and see what he does with your words, your actions, and your heart <3
In Romans 12:1, the apostle Paul says to "offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God--this is your spiritual act of worship." Today, I present my body as a living sacrafice... and pray that God will use me according to his will.
B - Bed size: Queen
C - Chore you hate: Picking up the dog poopy in the yard :(
D - Dog's name: Nala, Meeka, and Chrissy
E - Essential start your day item: Bible :) or my toothbrush
F - Favorite color: Purple
G - Gold or Silver: Silver
H - Height: 5'7
I - Instruments you play: Piano
J - Job title: Student full time and working at my family business part time.
K - Kid(s): None of my own, but I have a passion for kids!
L - Living arrangements: In a beautiful home, with my even more beautiful family <3
M-Mother's name: Michelle
N - Nicknames: Jewels, Ju, Ju-C, J-CAL, J, Julius.
O - Overcoming: My way of living
P- Pet Peeves: When people respond to a text with "mhm, K" or when people say, "Don't worry about it."
Q - Quote from a movie: Rapunzel: Something brought you here... fate... destiny...
Flynn Rider: A horse...
R - Right or left handed: Right
S - Siblings: Beautiful older sister, handsome older and younger brother.
T - Time you wake up: Weekdays 6 AM, Weekends 9 AM if I'm lucky :)
U- Underwear: Very necessary lol
V- Vegetable you don't like: I like all vegetables I think....except cooked carrots!
W - Ways you run late: Wardrobe malfunction
X - X-rays you've had: My wrist, my hand, and my jaw.
Y - Yummy food you make: I can make the best Orange Julius :) but foodwise, I'd have to say salsa :)
Z - Zoo favorite: Owls... Duh ;)
I found my old journal the other night before I went to bed. This wasn't just a journal I used to write daily logs in, but it was just a journal that I kept words of wisdom. Whenever I heard something that was meaningful to me at the time, I wrote it in that journal. If I listened to a sermon and I enjoyed something the Pastor said, I would jot it down in my journal. In the back of my journal, is a hidden pocket.. and in it I kept things that meant something special to me... one of them being a piece of paper my Grandfather gave me at one of his first book signings, the small paper read... "Happiness keeps you sweet, Trials keep you strong, Sorrows keep you human, Success keeps you glowing, God keeps you going." Since that day, I kept those words close to my heart, in losing my grandma especially.
When I looked through my journal I scanned through dozens of quotes and came across one that made me smile, and I figured I would share...
"Real life is a funny thing you know, in real life saying the right thing at the right moment is beyond crucial. So crucial in fact that most of us start to hesitate for the fear of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. But lately what I've begun to fear more than that is letting the moment pass without saying anything at all. I think you deserve to look back on your life without this chorus of resounding voices saying, 'I could have, but now it's too late.' So there's a time for silence, and there's a time for waiting your turn... But if you know how you feel and you clearly know what you need to say, you'll know it, and I don't think you should wait... I think you should Speak Now." -Taylor Swift
I really think this quote explains where I am in life right now. Days pass and moments end without me noticing that life is passing me by. Sometimes I hold my tongue, sometimes I let a moment pass without saying how I feel... and then the moment is gone. The crazy thing about life though, is that it keeps on going... it doesn't stop for anyone. We can't pause moments of happiness, or fast-forward through painful ones. There is no re-dos, or skip aheads... there is only now. God doesn't promise us a full life here on earth, he doesn't even guarantee us another day, or even another moment. We've heard a million times over and over again, "Live like your dying"... yet we continue to live without actually living. In the end, we look back and not forward... we look back at our lives and what we did. We all want to believe that we are leaving something good behind, we want to believe that it all mattered. A life without God doesn't matter... This inspires me to live everyday in thanks, for it is by the grace of God that I breathe each breath.
This past weekend was amazing for me. I had the opportunity to go to some really amazing places with even better people. The weekend started off with a night in Perris with Kd and Chris, which resulted in a 4 hour sleep night.... after waking up at 4:15, we headed to LA to visit Pepperdine University. The drive there was more than I imagined, we got to witness a glorious sunrise while singing worship and praising God. The thing I love about these friends I now have, is that I can express my passion for God WITH them... we spent the whole ride praising God and singing to him.
When we finally made it to Pepperdine, we watched the sun rise higher into the sky and our day began. It was filled with a tour of the beautiful school and meeting new people. Following pepperdine, we made our way to Santa Monica to visit the popular Pier. It was Kd and my first time visiting here and it was epic to say the least. We got coffee, walked down the pier, and enjoyed the beautiful day. Kd and I went on a roller coaster which was surprisingly fun... and we took lots of pictures :) As time flew, it was 2:30 and we needed to start heading home to try and beat traffic... but it was useless, the freeway was stopped. The car ride back to Perris was just great, Chris and I took turns driving and let each other take little naps while Kd controlled the music. We blasted Taylor Swift... nothing less than amazing. With about an hour left of our 4 hour drive... I woke up from the backseat and began listening to Kd and Chris' conversation on faith and relationships....We spent that whole hour discussing life, discussing God, discussing relationships... and it made me really think. God has blessed me with these good friendships... I am able to have Chris as a guy friend who encourages me in my faith and shares his passion... People say there is no such thing as guys and girls just being friends, but its SO not true.... I share such a good relationship with Chris, he is my brother in Christ. Kd is my sister in Christ, she encourages me, she prays for me. These are only two of the people God has blessed me with.
After a long drive back to Perris, then home... I rushed to the Homecoming game, but I was so exhausted I didn't even have enough energy to socialize. Today I went to La Jolla with Kd, Alisha and her friend Jillian to pick up some cupcakes for my dear friend Tori's birthday, and it was so much fun.
I finished the day off with Tori's birthday then snuggling up at home alone and relaxing, and talking with a few really great new people in my life. Here are some pictures of my wonderful weekend, God bless!!!
Pepperdine University
Santa Monica Roller Coaster
We lived!!
Probably the most entertaining & silly friendship ever.
Proverbs 3:5-6 reads, "Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your path straight."
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart"
What a statement. TRUST... when used as a verb it is stated in the dictionary that trust is to rely upon or place confidence in someone or something. This idea of putting all trust in the Lord is almost immeasurable, like the power of God. He doesn't ask for half of our hearts, or even 99% of it... he asks for it all. He wants our words, our lives, our actions, our eyes, our hearts. Imagine a relationship, you wouldn't want anything less than everything from that person.. you want it ALL, every day, every moment... and sometimes, trust is so much harder than love.
"Lean not on your own understanding"
Understanding, when you thoroughly understand something... it is familiar, it is known. It's like a test in a classroom... In order to have understanding of what is on the exam, you must be familiar with the material. We are God's people, he knows me, he understands me better than I do, and yet I continue to lean on what I feel, what I think.
"In all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight."
Submission: an act of submitting to the authority or control of another. What would it look like if God had control of our hands for a day? What about our mouths and words, our feet, our hearts. How would our lives look different if we allowed God to have control, to have authority or control of our lives... not just our feet or hands, but everything else as well.
In reading this verse, its familiar and well known to many Christians as are many other verses, yet we just read right past them all the time. It's kind of like life, we become familiar with it, we know it so well and we just let time pass us by. We don't take advantage of small moments, little victories... We wake up in the morning and we are used to a sunrise, we stand outside at night and look at the stars as if they are hardly miraculous... God blesses us with a day, and unless it's wonderfully perfect we don't acknowledge the day in itself. Carpe Diem, "Cease the Day"... Whether there is perfect weather or it is filled with sadness... it is a day that God has blessed us.
God has blessed me recently, with more than just perseverance... but strength, hope, joy, love, self-control, patience.... He has given me family, and is placing all these people around me to cling to... People who I can share my passion for God with. People who form this barrier around my heart, this bandaid around my wounds... God gave me this life, I haven't earned it, nor will I ever deserve it. Yet somehow, I fight to trust a perfect God. I battle with my head and my heart about which is the right path, and I make decisions without acknowledging him.
Psalms 34:18 reads, "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." This idea of God being close to the brokenhearted... it pulls at my heart. Shouldn't our hearts be broken on a daily basis for God? This life shouldn't be easy, our days shouldn't be insignificant... it should be a battle, our hearts should break on a daily basis so God can mold us.
In closing, I leave with a song. Songs are expressions of feelings, songs are words from our hearts... worship songs are words of our heart singing to the King of all people.
We are here, we are now. We are God's people, step up to a selfless faith. Fall to your knees and let God break you.
Well it's Thursday, and I feel like this week is flying by! Probably because I have been so busy... but I have been doing well with not getting overwhelmed with the busy-ness of it all. Yesterday, I had probably one of the best days I've had in awhile. I found out I didn't have work, so I woke up and got ready at my own pace. Once I was ready, Kd came and picked me up to start our adventures :)
We started it off by making our way to Orange County to eat at a place called "FreeBirds" which was like a nicer and cooler version of Chipotle. After we finished, we played around by making glasses out of the foil from her burrito... quite entertaining to say the least :)
After a delicious lunch, we headed to Irvine area to go to Fashion Island... but before we made it there, we decided to stop in Balboa Island since I had never been. Her family owns apartments there, so we got to check those out and it was beyond a beautiful day!
View from their apartments!
We parked and went into a cute little shop that she had to show me and it was sooo adorable. I loved the feeling of the really small town and all the cute little shops to go into. She told me all about her family's story and how they ended up getting those places in Balboa Park.
After Balboa, we finally made it to Fashion Island to shop around for a little while until we met up with the rest of our group to go to Knott's Scary Farm. I was excited, but also a little indifferent because I went last year with Aaron... but I had to stop looking at the past. It was a good time with friends, I got chased by clowns... of course. But it wasn't as bad as last year... it was overall a really good time, and i enjoyed myself with some good company. I especially enjoyed my day with Kd overall.... it was a total girls day. I have missed having days like that... I have some pretty exciting things coming up! Going to a Hillsong concert in December, Gavin DeGraw in a week, Pepperdine on Friday.... and many other things!! I'm daily asking God to show me where he wants me in this life, and constantly asking him for strength and guidance. If its anything I've learned lately, its that being a follower of Christ isn't easy. It's like giving a speech after someone who gave a flawless and perfect speech.... hard to follow. But he is blessing me left and right, whether it be with friends or with peace in my heart.
God,
Thank you for this life. Thank you for breaking my heart and changing me. I pray that you continue to mold my heart to be more like yours. Give me strength and wisdom, and most importantly give me guidance. Thank you for my family and my wonderful friends new and old... Be with my family in Arizona, more specifically my Aunt... give her strength during the loss of my Grandpa Dave, give her understanding and peace.
I can already feel the busy-ness of this week getting to me. I love keeping my mind occupied and busy with people that I enjoy hanging out with, but I also HATE being too busy. But tonight was a good way to enjoy some relaxing time before this crazy week. I spent some one on one time with Sarah which I hadn't done in a really long time so I really missed it.
Today was an overall pretty good day, went out to lunch with some friends today at the new Chipotle by school and Kd invited Patrick, one of Aaron's friends. Even though I have known Patrick before Aaron ever did, I knew that they are close now and I just felt a little weird about it. I kept a good distance because honestly I wanted to respect Aaron and who he is close with because I would want the same from him. It has been a little hard for me lately because some of Aaron and I's friends clash... so its difficult, but I want to respect him and who he is close with.
Tomorrow I am going to Knott's, which will be interesting but fun... then Friday I am headed to Pepperdine University at 4:30 in the morning, oh joy lol
Well I am home from an amazing trip. It is incredible how I can drive 2 hours away and feel like I am away from the rest of my life. This past weekend my family and I took a trip up to Lake Arrowhead for a few days and we stayed in a beautiful 5 bedroom cabin right on the lake. My whole family went, including my sister and her family, my brother and Kim, and my brother's friend Joey and his new girlfriend. I knew this was going to be a good trip for me because all I have wanted in the past couple weeks is a getaway.
The first night that we were there I had a bit of a rough time, I was feeling a little down and by the time I got to bed I was just ready to fall asleep. But when I was looking for a nice peaceful sleep, I got the opposite. I had a terrible nightmare.... which was basically reliving a different version of a breakup with Aaron. I woke up feeling uneasy, but asked God to take it away and started my day. That night when all the family finally got to the house we went out to a really nice dinner at a close-by resort, and this is when being "single" kicked in.
We went by the lake to take some family photos, and of course... photos of all the couples. I was surrounded by them: Mom and Dad, Ashley and Dustin, Josh and Kim, and Joey and Lindsey...
I felt alone, and just simply uneasy. And when I finally made it to bed... another nightmare. Woke up feeling unsettled and just hurting again.... so I closed my eyes and talked to God. I talked to him until I could fall asleep.
The weekend there was incredible, although I personally had my ups and downs... It was a wonderful town with great cold weather that I enjoyed so very much... it made me want to come up more often. The drive home was peaceful, listened to some sermons that really helped me.... drove past Aaron's work when I knew he was there at that time so that was a little different for me...But I have a busy week ahead of me... So I am starting it off today with some time with Kd... Going to get our cars washed, grab coffee, and catch up :)
This week I am doing sooo many things, going to Knott's Scary Farm on Wednesday night with Alisha and Daisy, Church on Thursday, and going up to Pepperdine University on Friday to get a full tour of the school, then Tri-City's Homecoming game, and then lastly Tori's birthday on Saturday! AND I get my iPhone on Friday :)
Busy week? Yes... but it's a good busy and I cannot wait to blog ALL about it :)
Last night I attended The Jordan college group at North Coast Church as I have been for the past couple of weeks. It was a beginning of a new Series called, “Don’t Judge Me” which is a study going through the book of Judges. I went with Kd and Sarah, and along with them they met up with a few other people. It had been a long week for me…dealing with loads and loads of school and working, and other personal issues… it just finally weighed down on me. So church was the perfect way to release it.
Pastor Jeff spoke on giving things halfway, whether we were partially obeying God, or partially giving our life… but what he pointed out was that partially giving something isn’t giving anything at all. In his words, “Partial obedience is disobedience.” I really sat there and thought about those words as he spoke them… I don’t ever want to give halfway ever again.
Towards the end of his sermon, he asked a question that pulled at my heart… “How many of you want to get married one day?” As people around the room raised there hands alongside of me, my heart ached. For the past year, when I thought of marriage or a wedding…. I thought of Aaron. The moment I felt that weakness, I asked God, “Please take away that hurt.” As Jeff continued he said, “So what if you are standing up there at the alter and your looking at the person you are going to commit to forever. You look into their eyes and begin saying your vows and your soon to be husband says in the midst of his beautiful vows, ‘I promise to love you, to take care of you… 364 days a year, 51 weeks a year, or halfway.’” It just put into a way I had never thought about before… my relationship with God should be like I am marrying him, like I am going to commit to him forever. So, with that thought process… I began writing my vows to God.
God,
Your grace is gratifying, your love is immeasurable, and your forgiveness is unending. You have loved me since the beginning of time; you have had faith in me since the day I was born. Unlike earthly and materialistic love, yours is never ending, unconditional, and undeserving. You have cared for me and watched out for me during moments I was struggling, moments I was wrong, and moments I felt pure satisfaction. When I turned against you, disobeyed you, and wronged you, you forgave me, you loved me, and you guided me. When I was afraid of the unknown, you encouraged me to not cling to worldly, familiar suffering but instead to rely on a love that was pure and perfect. God, my whole life you have been here craving a relationship with me and now I am standing here ready to commit to you for the rest of my life. I, Julia Frances Callahan, give my life to you. I promise to love you, stand up for you, and remain by your side until you take me into your Kingdom. I promise that through my mistakes, my sins, and my transgressions… that I will come to you for forgiveness and strength. I promise to not live up to this world, but instead live for you. I promise to fight a battle on a daily basis in order to follow your ways. As you have stood by me, I will stand by you. Although my love and faith is imperfect, I promise to love you in every imperfect way. I give you my life, and I give you my heart. I give you the number one place and priority in my life, and I surrender all to you.
It's been said that friendship isn't a big thing, but instead a million little things. I have truly come to know what this really means lately. God has really been challenging me these past couple weeks, he has been breaking me day in and day out, tempting me every waking moment, and testing me with every breath I take. But I haven't been alone... he has given me these wonderful people in my life who support me. People like my family, my sister, my brothers, my parents.... people like my friends, Kristen, Kd, Sarah, Sophie.... So many people that have been supporting me through everything lately, not for themselves but for me.
Today was a rainy day again... and after work I went shopping with Kd. We went into Nordstrom Rack and both found a couple good things including some new rings :) We spent the afternoon shopping and getting coffee and catching up..... and the thing I love about Kd is that she let's me talk, and she tells me how it is. After our great shopping afternoon, she took me to her church in San Marcos and I wasn't really sure what I was in for. Before the speaker began his sermon he prayed for open hearts and ears... and I quietly asked God to open my heart and my ears to what he had to say... and he blew me away.
The sermon was on David and Bathsheba... a story I had heard a thousand times, but somehow I heard it differently this time. After telling the story, the speaker took us to Psalm 51 which was David's Psalm when he was talking to God after he had punished David.
The speaker took it word by word and explained it so perfectly. He broke down certain words and told us what each meant in the original context in Hebrew... I learned a few things...
First, I learned that inequity is a natural bend towards something we do wrong.... the fact that we were born with this internal sin, this idea of inequity was built into us, that we have this ongoing sin-nature, and that the actual word sin was taken from when an arrow strayed from missing the target or the mark....
Then he broke it down, on what sin actually was... and he broke it into 5 different points:
1. Sin... is a distrust in God. It is something we do against God directly, and it is us telling him that we have something better planned, that we have a better view of the world.
2. When we sin, it is stated in the bible that death is the verdict, in order to pay for our sins we needed to die... but Jesus did that for us on the cross so we wouldn't have to die.
3. Sin is nature more than action, it is something planted in us since birth. Sin was never taught to us, instead it was something we have always had in the roots of our soul.
4. Sin demands compassion and grace on others... Jesus didn't die on the cross for us to keep his compassion and grace selfishly to ourselves.... instead we should be sharing those with those who are undeserving, as we are.
5. Lastly... God never asks you to be perfect... but he DOES ask us to be broken.
That last one killed me, I literally felt my heart just shatter inside my chest...
Like I learned at Hume this past Summer... David was a man after God's own heart. David was probably one of the most imperfect people in the entire bible, who was named King and the ONLY man in the bible to have been after God's own heart.... and God didn't choose him because he was perfect, David wasn't a man after God's own heart because he was perfect.... but it was because he was broken.
I wish I could sit here and restate everything the pastor said tonight... because I would if I could... but if it's anything I took from this... it's that I am so broken, and that I want to be. I want God to break me on a daily basis, and then heal me....
I want to be a woman after God's own heart, not because I'm perfect or live a perfect life... but because I am broken.... but I surrender completely to God.
This video is Psalm 51.... I encourage you to listen and let it speak to you <3
