Long Live

Today, I found it hard to keep my mind busy. I had a really difficult time not thinking about Aaron. I allowed questions and theories flow through my mind and it made me feel uneasy. On the way home, I listened to a song by Taylor Swift. Lately, I have been crying less...and feeling a lot stronger. A few lines in this song gave me the goose-bumps...

Hold on to spinning around,

Confetti falls to the ground.

May these memories break our fall.

If you'll take a moment,

Promise me this...

That you'll stand by me forever,

But if God forbid fate should step in,

And force us into a goodbye,

If you have children someday

When they point to the pictures

Please tell them my name...

Tell them how the crowds went wild

Tell them how I hope they shine.

Long live the walls we crashed through

I had the time of my life with you

Long, long live the walls we crashed through

All the kingdom lights shined just for me and you

And I was screaming, long live all the magic we made

And bring on all the pretenders, I'm not afraid.

It gave me this feeling of closure and made me feel like my feelings made sense. Later on this evening I went to the gym with one of my friends and I was talking to her about it, and she noticed how upset and hurt I am and that I have a right to be and she said something that went straight to the heart.... "Don't make him a priority.... if he is going to make you an option." Right then, I realized that Aaron chose...he chose to live his life and grow up and be who he wants to be... and do all the things he couldn't do with me. I made him a priority... wanted to marry him, wanted to spend forever with him...and let me tell you, I hate goodbyes, and saying goodbye to him was the worst feeling ever...But I wasn't the most important thing in his life, I wasn't a priority...he didn't need me...

I'm at a place of confusion, and hurt... and when your heart is broken by the one you love, pain is expected, and confusion comes along with it. Questions build up in your mind, and sometimes we ask a question we don't like hearing the answer to... Did I matter enough to him for him to hold on?... was I that jewel in the rough for him?... or was I just someone else to let go?