Love Always

Once upon a time, there was an Arizona Wedding.

So over spring break I went to Arizona for my cousin's wedding... and I got a chance to spend some time with my mom's side of the family which I don't get to do very often. We stayed with my Uncle Brant, whom I hadn't seen in a very long time. I think the greatest part was meeting my real grandpa. I had met him before at my sister's wedding about 6 years ago...but it was short and quick so it didn't count.

Me, my Grandpa Dave, and my little brother, Bradley.

We got a chance to talk and get to know him, and even more importantly... my mom had a chance to reconnect with him, and ask him questions of her past that she wanted answered. Then came the wedding, and it sure was a desert wedding! It was a great time, spending some quality time with a TON of my distant family.

Above is a picture of me and my brother at the wedding... it amazed me because he is only a few inches from passing me up!!!!! I stood in amazement :)

On another note, I heard from Aaron today... he wants to meet and talk about something thats been on his chest. I can't help but be nervous and scared, because my heart still aches... and I honestly thought I'd never see him again and now I will after exactly a month... I need to stand strong though, God holds my heart and he is the source of my strength. 

Have a wonderful week :)

Jewel

a dream is a wish your heart makes.

I think the greatest thing about dreams is not knowing when they are going to come true. Sometimes the greatest part about life is the uncertainty of it.  The uncertainty of tomorrow and the potential it holds. Sometimes life is taken advantage of, we hope and we expect so much out of each day, and it looses it’s magic. All of the moments that can’t ever be replaced slip away, and the fear of your heart keeps you from your destiny. But what is there to fear… without pain there would be no struggle, and without struggle there would be no healing. Healing, this act or process of mending. Sometimes, wounds heal quickly and sometimes they take time. Its how we mend these wounds that really matters though, whether it be by friends or family, or even yourself. I’ve learned a lot about myself in the past month, I was made aware of how strong I actually am and how true my heart is. Even after all Aaron has done to hurt me, I can’t help but constantly pray for him and his heart. I wish I could just hate him and not think about the lies and hurtful words… but that’s not who I am. This life has so much to offer me, and each day has the potential to change my life. I have a wish in my heart, and I believe with everything I have, that my dream will come true one day. But I also have to believe in the uncertainty of it… and the fear and pain that it might come with. One day I’ll look back and be thankful for these times of struggle, because its not that it makes me feel weak, it’s that it made me strong.

One thing that I also realized about myself is my love for music, I listen to it basically all day and I fall asleep to it at night. I spend my time at the piano, and now I am learning to play the guitar. It's so healing for me... sometimes, even if its for a few minutes... my heart isn't broken anymore. And sometimes, songs can say what my heart was afraid to feel...enjoy.

xoxo,

Jewels

I am different.

Dei Gratia.

In this life, you never really get what you deserve. Whether you deserve better, or worse. People get by with doing terrible things all the time...and some people have bad things happen to them, that they don't really deserve. If I have learned anything in the past few weeks its strength. I know that understanding may never come, and I know that an apology from the one that hurt me probably won't come either. But what I have also learned is that you can't change people, you can't make people care about you if they never did to begin with, and you sure can't make some one love you. I guess after this heart break I thought I wasn't enough, wasn't worth the truth...But I realize even more now that it's not that I wasn't worth the truth, its that it wasn't worth my time. People lie, people cheat, they manipulate, and they hurt you... and the thing that's hard to accept for everyone is that people don't care. My issue has always been caring too much, putting my heart into things and being let down. Now, as guarded as ever, I have to find myself. And I am learning how to live my life, each day is a trial and every moment is a battle but I know that there is someone out there for me, someone who won't lie or cheat, or have to pretend to love me...someone that will love me for who I am. God is my strength every day, and he challenges me, tempts me, and puts obstacles on this road, but i am different, and I am alive. I need to stop waiting for people to care, for people to change... I don't need those people, the ones that make me feel so small and weak. I need God, and thats who I have. So if you ask me, I've got it all.. By the grace of God.

xoxo, 

Jewels

The start of an age.

This past week was my best friend Sophia's spring break, I am so happy that it was this last week because she has been a lot of help..but I also missed having her around. I am sad that she goes back to school tomorrow, but I am so thankful for the time we spent together. Over the break we did plenty of things, we had bible study, went to clay n latte, had a girls night, got coffee (lots of it), went to Encinitas and took a ton of pictures. We both had the best time this past week, even through the simplest moments.

My best friend.

The beautiful field we found!

We both talked about how we dressed and how we were going to start challenging ourselves to dress better and blog about it! Although she already does this more than I do, it will be fun.

Check out her blog at: www.ahandfulofflowers.blogspot.com

It's time for me to start over, take all of the weeds out of my life and focus on God and myself. I know there is someone out there for me and I have already begun praying for that person, whoever they are. But as of now, I am living in the moment...thankful for what I have and who i have around me.

I'll be posting more pictures soon... enjoy!!

xoxo,

Jewels

dei gratia.

Possible future tattoo..................

I wouldn't get it on my wrist though, somewhere I could hide.

Its a latin phrase and means: "By the grace of God."

Just an idea, probably won't get it but I have been writing on my hand almost everyday to remind me that by the grace of God I can be alive and able to serve a purpose... and more importantly, I am here because of God's grace. We all have a purpose, whats yours?

A new change :)

Before :)

As promised, I am posting some pictures of my hair :) I spent about 5 and a half hours at the salon trying to get it back to a color that is closer to my natural hair color. After stripping my hair of color, which took 3 and a half hours... we found that my hair was reddish ORANGE...and let me tell you, the picture doesn't even do it justice.

After the color was taken out...

Then she worked on dying my hair a lighter brown and adding in some highlights to get my new hair!

After :)

Although its hard to tell completely through this picture, I LOVE IT :) Besides my hair, I've been spending a lot of time with my best friend sophy, having sleepovers, going to target, getting coffee... we even got matching PJ's (i know, we're lame)

Its been really great having her back home, keeping my mind busy and getting back to how things used to be. I am now officially on spring break and my goal is to post some cute outfit pictures this week!

Hope all is well in the world, please be praying for JAPAN!!

xoxo,

Jewels

Here we go :)

Yesterday was a great day, and a perfect day to start my life over. In spite of my difficulties lately my sister reminded me: "A man truly loves you when missing you is his hobby, caring for you is his job, making you happy is his duty, and loving you is his life." Hearing this and saying it aloud finally convinced me that I deserve more than I thought I did, and although my intentions were true in my last relationship... It wasn't mutual and life isn't fair... But God saved me from what would have been the biggest mistake of my life.

Yesterday after school, I went with my bestest friend to the Beauty Bar in fallbrook to get my hair done, and what an event it was!! I cannot wait to post pictures. From my dark hair, it took 3 and a half hours to strip my hair of color, leaving it reddish orange! Then colored and highlighted it with a fresh cut and a fresh me :) I love it!

After 5 and a half hours at the salon, sophy and I headed to my sisters to watch what was left of the bachelor! Followed by a great conversation with my family, all the girls plus Dustin :) truly made me understand what I'm going though... And better yet, what's to come! :)

Xo xo,
Jewel

Letting go.

What kind of person pretends to love them, says they want to marry them, spend their life with them, and tell them on a DAILY basis how much they love them... And it ends up being a lie. I would say he is a sad excuse for a man. Those that know me, know how much I loved Aaron, they know how I put my heart and soul into him... Did everything for him, gave everything to him... I thought I was on the road to marriage with this guy? God truly saved me from this person... And although it's left me hurting, feeling used and not good enough... I'm now on a road to not loving him and not caring about him. He took a part of me I'll never be able to get back, but I still have part of my magic in my heart... One day I'll find someone who will value me, someone who will love me truly for who I am... One day I'll find someone I deserve and who deserves me and all this pain won't matter. I'm letting Aaron go... He doesn't deserve any more of my time.

God allow me to fix my eyes on you and not to be angry and hurt. I know you are close to the broken hearted and that it's you who has to punish and judge. Please help me to pray for Aaron that you'll take his cold and transform it.

The night holds our memories.

Its a Saturday night and I'm laying on my couch, with a blanket, alone, and watching the food network... And all I can think about is all the times I did this very thing with Aaron. I swear, half of our relationship was spent on this couch, most of the time having tickle fights or listening to him snore. I feel alone tonight, my heart hurts, and my body feels so thrown off... I want to get past this stage, I want to reach some sort of understanding... I also want to just be on this couch, with this warm blanket, watching food network.. with Aaron. But the universe has made it clear to me that I don't always get what I want. I know this pain will fade with time, and my broken heart will be fixed one day... I just pray Aaron is happy, and I pray that he can be who he's always wanted to be... Even when I'm not part of it.

Sweet Dreams

Time won't let me go.

Well it's the end of another week and I'm glad I made it through another week. Today was a little harder.... Aaron deleted his blog today, and for me that felt like a sign of him letting go of me. He had a blog because of me and it really was the only place that he expressed his love towards me... It was never through Facebook or all that, it was through his blog, probably because I was the only person reading it. I don't think he was ever the type of guy to talk about me to his friends or family or any of that... Which is the opposite of me. On top of everything, I'm sick :/ that's what I get for treating my body the way I have these past two weeks...oh well. My heart hurts a little more tonight, and I'm trying to fill this emptiness in my heart.

Have a great weekend.
Xoxo,
Jewels

Best friends.

Hello friends.
So I'm at work today, and I am SO tired. It's been a long week and last night I went to Sushi and Clay N Latte for a girls night... It was so fun! I'll have to post pictures when I get home. After that, I had a sleepover with my best friend, Sophie. We talked for hours, I cried and spilled my guts to her and realized how thankful I am to have her around. It was hard talking about everything again, but she seriously knows me better than anyone... She knows how hard it is for me to just have the person I ever truly loved walk away from me... She knows how hard it is for me to let go, and she comforted me when I told her that I didn't know how to let go of someone who doesn't want me anymore. I missed my best friend... I truly am thankful for her company right now... She also pointed out that God wants a relationship with us, and god won't ever walk away from me and make me feel worthless and not good enough.

God, thank you for my best friend.

Long Live

Today, I found it hard to keep my mind busy. I had a really difficult time not thinking about Aaron. I allowed questions and theories flow through my mind and it made me feel uneasy. On the way home, I listened to a song by Taylor Swift. Lately, I have been crying less...and feeling a lot stronger. A few lines in this song gave me the goose-bumps...

Hold on to spinning around,

Confetti falls to the ground.

May these memories break our fall.

If you'll take a moment,

Promise me this...

That you'll stand by me forever,

But if God forbid fate should step in,

And force us into a goodbye,

If you have children someday

When they point to the pictures

Please tell them my name...

Tell them how the crowds went wild

Tell them how I hope they shine.

Long live the walls we crashed through

I had the time of my life with you

Long, long live the walls we crashed through

All the kingdom lights shined just for me and you

And I was screaming, long live all the magic we made

And bring on all the pretenders, I'm not afraid.

It gave me this feeling of closure and made me feel like my feelings made sense. Later on this evening I went to the gym with one of my friends and I was talking to her about it, and she noticed how upset and hurt I am and that I have a right to be and she said something that went straight to the heart.... "Don't make him a priority.... if he is going to make you an option." Right then, I realized that Aaron chose...he chose to live his life and grow up and be who he wants to be... and do all the things he couldn't do with me. I made him a priority... wanted to marry him, wanted to spend forever with him...and let me tell you, I hate goodbyes, and saying goodbye to him was the worst feeling ever...But I wasn't the most important thing in his life, I wasn't a priority...he didn't need me...

I'm at a place of confusion, and hurt... and when your heart is broken by the one you love, pain is expected, and confusion comes along with it. Questions build up in your mind, and sometimes we ask a question we don't like hearing the answer to... Did I matter enough to him for him to hold on?... was I that jewel in the rough for him?... or was I just someone else to let go?

It gets worse at night.

It's been a week. I feel like it's been longer than that...seven days? I have really only lasted seven days?...
Last night, I had a hard time falling asleep because I knew today was going to be difficult. In the middle of the night, I woke from a dream...crying. This has been happening often, and usually I don't remember what I am dreaming of....but last night I did. I dreamt that I was just with Aaron in his car, he was driving and holding my hand.. singing to me, and I was of course, laughing and enjoying the moment. Waking up from this dream, memories flooded my mind of Aaron and I... Car rides, tickle fights, our first date, our first kiss, our last kiss... I miss him. But how do you not miss someone like that? I'm hurting and all I want to do is to is wake up from this nightmare and hold him again. One day I can stand tall and feel strong, and the next day it all comes back. I lay in bed at night and hope that I'll dream of him so I can at least pretend for as long as I can that he is still here. So tonight, as the overload from school takes over my mind... I will lay in bed... and allow every memory capture my breath, because after awhile, I know memories fade... and I want to hold onto it as long as I can.

A friend showed me this video, helped me see a different side of things...

God will give me the strength tomorrow.

Jewels

Fix you.

It's the start of the week and today God blessed me with strength. When I felt the sadness come to my heart again as a I got in my car to come home, I quietly sang the song "I Won't" by Colbie Calliat... then I thought to myself about God and about life and how God shows himself to me throughout the day without even noticing. For example, its a cloudy and cold day in Southern California... and this is my favorite weather. God knew that today was going to be hard for me, and he blessed me with this weather. So as I get in my car and put on Pandora....... the first song that came up was "I Won't" by Colbie Calliat. God showed me right there that he has a hold of my heart and my life...he also gave me this realization...

God used Aaron to save me. There is a reason why we call him our "Savior" because that is what he does: he saves. The beautiful thing is that saves you in ways you don't recognize until God wants to use you to save someone else. I used to know who I was before Aaron, I was a shy, book-reading, facebooking, blogging, coffee kind of girl, I had no meaning to my life and I was ignoring God. As Aaron stepped into my life, I was brought happiness and shown love that I was so unaware of. All those love songs and fairy tale movies made sense. I could laugh with Aaron, sing with him, cry with him, love with him, and be happy with him. Where does this happiness come from? Or this love? God is the source of love and the source of life... and I never realized it until now. God put Aaron in my life to give me a glimpse of the happiness I could attain through God. God puts people in your life to change you, to help you realize who you are, and why your here. Matthew 11:28 says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." In this time of struggle and hardship, I came to God with my weary and burdened heart and he is healing me and showing me new things every day. God brought me Aaron, and God worked through Aaron for me and I hope that I was a light to him as well.... and it's time that I start putting trust in God and that kind of faith...because if he blessed me with someone like that in my life, I can't imagine the rest of the plans he has for me. I pray Aaron could be a part of my future, but my ultimate prayer is that he will find himself and find God and allow God to change him... to form his heart and heal his heart during this time.

We can all be strong with God on our side. God will fix you, if you let him take the wheel. 

Sunday: God's Day for Healing.

Well its Sunday, and I'm about to finish one of the most life changing weeks I have ever experienced. The past six months I have had the opportunity to experience happiness, love, and relationship. This week, I thought that all of those things were ending. What I have learned this week is that nothing here on earth is unfailing, nothing here is eternal. God's love is both unfailing, unconditional, and eternal and when I thought I had lost my happiness, love, and relationship...God has assured me that he can be my happiness, he can show me the kind of love no one can, and we can have a relationship to last a lifetime. I know that life isn't always going to be simple, and that nothing in life comes easy... But I need to find strength and confidence in my God. I am daily asking God for strength to make it through the day, and he has gotten me through the hardest part. I may feel alone, but I'm not. St. Augustine once said, "To fall in love with God is the greatest of all romances; to seek him is the greatest adventure; to find him, the greatest human achievement." The first step towards happiness is a smile, whether forced or real..."Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around." 

New nose ring, new smile, no makeup, no frown.

I know this road is bumpy, but I also know that this is the road--my road--to recovery. I am starting my life over, according to no one else besides God. 

Let's begin this week.

xoxo,

Jewels

Rascal Flatts - "I Won't Let Go" - 95.5 WPLJ

I Won't Let Go lyrics

It’s like a storm
That cuts a path
It’s breaks your will
It feels like that

You think your lost
But your not lost on your own
Your not alone
I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
If you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I wont let go

It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know it’s dark
This part of life
Oh it finds us all
And we’re too small
To stop the rain
Oh but when it rains

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
( From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/r/rascal-flatts-lyrics/i-won_t-let-go-lyrics.html )
And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight

And I won't let you fall
Don’t be afraid to fall
I’m right here to catch you
I wont let you down
It wont get you down
Your gonna make it
Yea I know you can make it

Cause I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
And I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let go
Oh I’m gonna hold you
And I won't let go
Wont let you go
No I won't

What I would give for a love like this...Someone to feel this way about me, someone to rely on. Does this even exsist? or do people always leave?

God, bless this broken road.

How do I shake this feeling of loneliness?  Or this empty feeling I have in my heart? Right when I start feeling like I am going to be okay it changes... the moment I'm alone the emptiness fills my body. I have lost 5 pounds, in four days... and my heart is torn, eyes are tired, and my soul feels empty. I know that only God can fill these feelings of rejection, emptiness, and give me hope. I know I am on the road to finding peace in my heart, losing insecurities, and learning how to love again. I have chosen to put all my focus on God, give him my heart and soul... because he won't ever turn away from me. God will always embrace my love, be thankful for my love, and accept me the way he made me. This morning I had my bible study, and I learned something that really caught my ear, "If someone handed you their invention, you wouldn't know how to work it or what it's purpose was... thats why you either look at the owners manual or better yet, as the creator of this invention." We are God's invention, he our creator, the owner's manual is his word of God... We aren't going to know our purpose or how we work... only our creator does. So although  I want to know God's plan for my life, I can't and I won't.... but that's faith isn't it? Putting your trust in the God of the Universe who knows better than us anyway. They say trusting someone is harder than loving someone and that trust is the way to the greatest love... something I think Aaron struggled with, trusting me and loving me to that extent. God wants me to trust him with everything I have. His plan will become clear to me more everyday, and eventually I will be able to shake this feeling of absence. After all, maybe part of loving is learning to let go...

As questions fill my mind about Aaron, I have to go to God for the answers.

He is my God.

He is my love.

He will heal this broken heart.

xoxo,

jewels

God will heal the broken-hearted.

Every day of this life is a journey, its a war. Everyday we fight for what we believe in, for what we love...and for who we love. As much as I wish I could plan my life out the way I want it to, it wouldn't compare to the plan God has for me. I know I am in a dark place right now, but I recognize the light at the end of the tunnel and I know that God leads me only to greater places. For even God says in James 1:2-6, "Consider it pure joy my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish it's work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to al without finding fault, and it will be given to him." As upset, sad, hurt, depressed, angry, and all those negative feelings Satan wants me to feel...I know God is fighting for me to pull me out of this. Who am I to stand up to the God of the universe and tell him my plan is better? This journey isn't going to be an easy one. I hope and I pray that maybe someday God will put Aaron somewhere down my path, with open arms and an open heart. I pray that even if Aaron isn't a part of my journey, that I be thankful for the time I got with him...because in the past seven months...Aaron Duane Baker changed my life, he changed my heart, and changed my soul all for the greater. As much as I'd love to hate him and be angry towards him, I love and respect him. He will go on his own journey, with his own two feet and find the man God needs him to be. I don't know my future, I don't know Aaron's future... But I'm going to begin healing, starting with prayer for both Aaron and myself. God will take the good with the bad, and make it better his plan...I know my future is bright and shining as long as I take this journey with God...God wants my focus, my heart, and my life and I guess the only way to give back to the God who gave it all for me, is to submit my life in return.

God please begin healing me, take my heart and mend it. God take Aaron's heart and form it and guard it...God I pray for only the best of things to happen in his life...and that letting go of him be a act of love and sacrafice and understanding. Help us both to lean not on our own understanding, but to rely on you, God. I pray for strength, and I pray for hope that daily we can recognize that you are in control. Lord you know the love I have in my heart for this wonderful man...and whether you give me the oppurtunity to love him ever again...God show him my love and make him aware of my unconditional love.

We will see where this road takes me.


xoxo,
Jewels

This song will forever bring back happy memories... sad tears of missing you... I'll always love you Aaron.

Haunted.

I would do anything to go back, I'd do it all again of God would allow it. I don't regret anything, but all I feel is sadness and anger, but mostly disappointment. Memories haunt me every moment, and the only time I feel at peace is when I'm asleep, which only comes in portions of an hour or two if I'm lucky. I'm all torn up inside. I made it through one class yesterday, then I couldn't make it.... My mom spent the day with me... Allowing me to just cry and she holds me, allowing me to just pour everything on her, all my confusion. My mom wakes me up every morning and assures me every hour how much she loves me and comforts me and tells me how wonderful I am. I'm thankful for her, for my family being there for me when I have no one.... It's so bad that I can't even tell my best friend... I can't talk to anyone, because I feel so hurt. I'm trying my best to believe that this is Gods plan... And this heartbreak was needed... Because when you love someone, it's enough... You don't just walk away from someone you love... A life without love will never be complete. The only love I can rely on, which I should have to begin... Is Gods. In this confusion, this pain, this hurt I'm trying to rely on God... Struggling with not hurting myself, I'm holding onto God and my family.

God please help me, help take away pieces of this sadness every day.... Help me to make it through today. Because God, as much as I love him and would give up my life for him... I need to let him go.

For Now.

Hey guys.
Things aren't going well on my end, and to say the least... I'm a disaster. Handling this, this idea of someone not being able to love me back the way i love them, is tearing me apart. A broken heart is never easy to handle, especially if it's a first. Giving your heart away and having them break it is probably one of the most terrible things I've ever felt.
I am probably not going to be blogging for awhile, so please keep me in your prayers.

xoxo,
Jewels

Tuesday.

Well yesterday wasn't a great start to the week, and to be honest... It's been a rough couple of days and not really getting any better. Aaron and I haven't really talked at all, he chose to ignore me all evening last night, so I tried to distract myself at my sisters house for a sleepover... Although it helped a little, felt the ache and heaviness in my heart. I've really been trying to rely on God, since there isn't anything I can rely on in this place. I'm trying my best to turn my mind off, but I'm beginning to feel drained. Part of me is scared about the outcome of all of this--actually a lot of me is scared... But what is love if you don't fight for it and tend to it? I'll be blogging everyday this week to help organize my thoughts.
Hope all is well out there.
Xoxo,
Jewels


2 Corinthians 4:16-18