God, bless this broken road.

How do I shake this feeling of loneliness?  Or this empty feeling I have in my heart? Right when I start feeling like I am going to be okay it changes... the moment I'm alone the emptiness fills my body. I have lost 5 pounds, in four days... and my heart is torn, eyes are tired, and my soul feels empty. I know that only God can fill these feelings of rejection, emptiness, and give me hope. I know I am on the road to finding peace in my heart, losing insecurities, and learning how to love again. I have chosen to put all my focus on God, give him my heart and soul... because he won't ever turn away from me. God will always embrace my love, be thankful for my love, and accept me the way he made me. This morning I had my bible study, and I learned something that really caught my ear, "If someone handed you their invention, you wouldn't know how to work it or what it's purpose was... thats why you either look at the owners manual or better yet, as the creator of this invention." We are God's invention, he our creator, the owner's manual is his word of God... We aren't going to know our purpose or how we work... only our creator does. So although  I want to know God's plan for my life, I can't and I won't.... but that's faith isn't it? Putting your trust in the God of the Universe who knows better than us anyway. They say trusting someone is harder than loving someone and that trust is the way to the greatest love... something I think Aaron struggled with, trusting me and loving me to that extent. God wants me to trust him with everything I have. His plan will become clear to me more everyday, and eventually I will be able to shake this feeling of absence. After all, maybe part of loving is learning to let go...

As questions fill my mind about Aaron, I have to go to God for the answers.

He is my God.

He is my love.

He will heal this broken heart.

xoxo,

jewels

God will heal the broken-hearted.

Every day of this life is a journey, its a war. Everyday we fight for what we believe in, for what we love...and for who we love. As much as I wish I could plan my life out the way I want it to, it wouldn't compare to the plan God has for me. I know I am in a dark place right now, but I recognize the light at the end of the tunnel and I know that God leads me only to greater places. For even God says in James 1:2-6, "Consider it pure joy my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish it's work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to al without finding fault, and it will be given to him." As upset, sad, hurt, depressed, angry, and all those negative feelings Satan wants me to feel...I know God is fighting for me to pull me out of this. Who am I to stand up to the God of the universe and tell him my plan is better? This journey isn't going to be an easy one. I hope and I pray that maybe someday God will put Aaron somewhere down my path, with open arms and an open heart. I pray that even if Aaron isn't a part of my journey, that I be thankful for the time I got with him...because in the past seven months...Aaron Duane Baker changed my life, he changed my heart, and changed my soul all for the greater. As much as I'd love to hate him and be angry towards him, I love and respect him. He will go on his own journey, with his own two feet and find the man God needs him to be. I don't know my future, I don't know Aaron's future... But I'm going to begin healing, starting with prayer for both Aaron and myself. God will take the good with the bad, and make it better his plan...I know my future is bright and shining as long as I take this journey with God...God wants my focus, my heart, and my life and I guess the only way to give back to the God who gave it all for me, is to submit my life in return.

God please begin healing me, take my heart and mend it. God take Aaron's heart and form it and guard it...God I pray for only the best of things to happen in his life...and that letting go of him be a act of love and sacrafice and understanding. Help us both to lean not on our own understanding, but to rely on you, God. I pray for strength, and I pray for hope that daily we can recognize that you are in control. Lord you know the love I have in my heart for this wonderful man...and whether you give me the oppurtunity to love him ever again...God show him my love and make him aware of my unconditional love.

We will see where this road takes me.


xoxo,
Jewels

This song will forever bring back happy memories... sad tears of missing you... I'll always love you Aaron.

Haunted.

I would do anything to go back, I'd do it all again of God would allow it. I don't regret anything, but all I feel is sadness and anger, but mostly disappointment. Memories haunt me every moment, and the only time I feel at peace is when I'm asleep, which only comes in portions of an hour or two if I'm lucky. I'm all torn up inside. I made it through one class yesterday, then I couldn't make it.... My mom spent the day with me... Allowing me to just cry and she holds me, allowing me to just pour everything on her, all my confusion. My mom wakes me up every morning and assures me every hour how much she loves me and comforts me and tells me how wonderful I am. I'm thankful for her, for my family being there for me when I have no one.... It's so bad that I can't even tell my best friend... I can't talk to anyone, because I feel so hurt. I'm trying my best to believe that this is Gods plan... And this heartbreak was needed... Because when you love someone, it's enough... You don't just walk away from someone you love... A life without love will never be complete. The only love I can rely on, which I should have to begin... Is Gods. In this confusion, this pain, this hurt I'm trying to rely on God... Struggling with not hurting myself, I'm holding onto God and my family.

God please help me, help take away pieces of this sadness every day.... Help me to make it through today. Because God, as much as I love him and would give up my life for him... I need to let him go.

For Now.

Hey guys.
Things aren't going well on my end, and to say the least... I'm a disaster. Handling this, this idea of someone not being able to love me back the way i love them, is tearing me apart. A broken heart is never easy to handle, especially if it's a first. Giving your heart away and having them break it is probably one of the most terrible things I've ever felt.
I am probably not going to be blogging for awhile, so please keep me in your prayers.

xoxo,
Jewels

Tuesday.

Well yesterday wasn't a great start to the week, and to be honest... It's been a rough couple of days and not really getting any better. Aaron and I haven't really talked at all, he chose to ignore me all evening last night, so I tried to distract myself at my sisters house for a sleepover... Although it helped a little, felt the ache and heaviness in my heart. I've really been trying to rely on God, since there isn't anything I can rely on in this place. I'm trying my best to turn my mind off, but I'm beginning to feel drained. Part of me is scared about the outcome of all of this--actually a lot of me is scared... But what is love if you don't fight for it and tend to it? I'll be blogging everyday this week to help organize my thoughts.
Hope all is well out there.
Xoxo,
Jewels


2 Corinthians 4:16-18

When the going gets tough.

As a girl, I am always thinking about my future. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only girl out there who dreams about the life she is going to live, who she'll marry, how may kids she'll have, and the list goes on. Usually these kind of thoughts enter my mind when I'm alone or before I go to bed. I know God has a plan for me, and that his plan is greater than mine and with all my heart I believe in his plan...But the challenge is allowing him to shape me and form me to who I really am. Lately, something has been troubling my heart and to my surprise the trouble my mind and heart were going through had nothing to with myself and my life, but instead the person I love most in this world. I think the hardest part about loving someone and giving your heart away to that person is handling their feelings. With Aaron and I--at least for me--I don't try to be myself, it comes naturally... without any effort in trying to be someone I'm not, I can be myself and he has always loved me for who I am. Lately though, he's been worn out and exhausted over his life juggling work, school, family, life, friends, God...and me. I don't want to feel like a job to him, I don't want to be something that wears him out and wears him down to his core. Albert Ellis once wrote, "The art of love...is largely the art of persistence." Persistence is an act of not giving up, to keep going when the going gets tough. To me, love is giving your all...Love is giving a part of yourself away that you never even knew you had...its the inspiration you get and the breath of fresh air. Love is absolute...and while it seems like madness, its really sheer perfection. It's been scary giving away everything to the person I love, because sooner or later you give away parts that you can't get back. Prayer changes everything, so that's my goal and effort for this week that didn't start out very well...Prayer.


Job 11:18 "You will be secure, because there is hope; you will look about you and take your rest in safety."





xoxo,
Jewels

let the rain fall down and wake my dreams.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow once said, "The best thing one can do when it's raining is to let it rain." It has been a stormy couple of days in Southern California, and for those who don't already know, rain is my favorite weather. Although the sun is beautiful and warming, its nice to see, feel, and hear the rain every once in awhile. It has actually been a really great week, right before this storm came in, I had a chance to go to La Jolla with my friend Sarah for the day, enjoying the beautiful weather for a day. We walked along the La Jolla shores, ate lunch by the beach and walked around town for a couple hours shopping in the cute town...then the storm headed our way. Saturday morning I woke up to the rain, and was finding things to do inside while the storm began. So in an effort to stay busy, I made a orange cloved air freshener that my mom taught me to do. Simply take an orange and cover it completely with cloves (be careful they can hurt your fingers). 

It smells so wonderful, and lasts for a long time!

After doing so, I got ready for the day and watched the storm begin. I knew that any minute it was going to start pouring rain because I could hear the thunder outside, so before it got bad...I went to get Starbucks for the family :)

Getting stormy!

The day was filled with beautiful showers and thunder storms, it was the best! At the end of the day, I found myself in my room, going through old things...finding things that I seemed to have forgotten about. 

First, I found an old journal I used to write everything in... random things I heard, quotes I loved, and poems from years ago... and inside a piece of paper my grandfather gave to me before my grandma passed away, "Happiness keeps you sweet, trials keep you going, sorrows keep you human, success keeps you glowing, God keeps you going." I used to hold onto that in my wallet day by day to remind me. With these things, I found a necklace that used to be my best friend, Sophy's...and to my surprise, its an owl...something I never noticed before. God sure has a way of putting people in your life.

Hope everyone enjoys the stormy weather.

God bless,

Jewels