just keep going

I can already feel the busy-ness of this week getting to me. I love keeping my mind occupied and busy with people that I enjoy hanging out with, but I also HATE being too busy. But tonight was a good way to enjoy some relaxing time before this crazy week. I spent some one on one time with Sarah which I hadn't done in a really long time so I really missed it.

Today was an overall pretty good day, went out to lunch with some friends today at the new Chipotle by school and Kd invited Patrick, one of Aaron's friends. Even though I have known Patrick before Aaron ever did, I knew that they are close now and I just felt a little weird about it. I kept a good distance because honestly I wanted to respect Aaron and who he is close with because I would want the same from him. It has been a little hard for me lately because some of Aaron and I's friends clash... so its difficult, but I want to respect him and who he is close with.

Tomorrow I am going to Knott's, which will be interesting but fun... then Friday I am headed to Pepperdine University at 4:30 in the morning, oh joy lol

Lake Arrowhead

Well I am home from an amazing trip. It is incredible how I can drive 2 hours away and feel like I am away from the rest of my life. This past weekend my family and I took a trip up to Lake Arrowhead for a few days and we stayed in a beautiful 5 bedroom cabin right on the lake. My whole family went, including my sister and her family, my brother and Kim, and my brother's friend Joey and his new girlfriend. I knew this was going to be a good trip for me because all I have wanted in the past couple weeks is a getaway.

The first night that we were there I had a bit of a rough time, I was feeling a little down and by the time I got to bed I was just ready to fall asleep. But when I was looking for a nice peaceful sleep, I got the opposite. I had a terrible nightmare.... which was basically reliving a different version of a breakup with Aaron. I woke up feeling uneasy, but asked God to take it away and started my day. That night when all the family finally got to the house we went out to a really nice dinner at a close-by resort, and this is when being "single" kicked in.

We went by the lake to take some family photos, and of course... photos of all the couples. I was surrounded by them: Mom and Dad, Ashley and Dustin, Josh and Kim, and Joey and Lindsey...
I felt alone, and just simply uneasy. And when I finally made it to bed... another nightmare. Woke up feeling unsettled and just hurting again.... so I closed my eyes and talked to God. I talked to him until I could fall asleep.

The weekend there was incredible, although I personally had my ups and downs... It was a wonderful town with great cold weather that I enjoyed so very much... it made me want to come up more often. The drive home was peaceful, listened to some sermons that really helped me.... drove past Aaron's work when I knew he was there at that time so that was a little different for me...But I have a busy week ahead of me... So I am starting it off today with some time with Kd... Going to get our cars washed, grab coffee, and catch up :)

This week I am doing sooo many things, going to Knott's Scary Farm on Wednesday night with Alisha and Daisy, Church on Thursday, and going up to Pepperdine University on Friday to get a full tour of the school, then Tri-City's Homecoming game, and then lastly Tori's birthday on Saturday! AND I get my iPhone on Friday :)

Busy week? Yes... but it's a good busy and I cannot wait to blog ALL about it :)

God Bless <3

Jewels

From Friday...

A post written on Friday, but published late...

Last night I attended The Jordan college group at North Coast Church as I have been for the past couple of weeks. It was a beginning of a new Series called, “Don’t Judge Me” which is a study going through the book of Judges. I went with Kd and Sarah, and along with them they met up with a few other people. It had been a long week for me…  dealing with loads and loads of school and working, and other personal issues… it just finally weighed down on me. So church was the perfect way to release it.

Pastor Jeff spoke on giving things halfway, whether we were partially obeying God, or partially giving our life… but what he pointed out was that partially giving something isn’t giving anything at all. In his words, “Partial obedience is disobedience.” I really sat there and thought about those words as he spoke them… I don’t ever want to give halfway ever again.

Towards the end of his sermon, he asked a question that pulled at my heart… “How many of you want to get married one day?” As people around the room raised there hands alongside of me, my heart ached. For the past year, when I thought of marriage or a wedding…. I thought of Aaron. The moment I felt that weakness, I asked God, “Please take away that hurt.” As Jeff continued he said, “So what if you are standing up there at the alter and your looking at the person you are going to commit to forever. You look into their eyes and begin saying your vows and your soon to be husband says in the midst of his beautiful vows, ‘I promise to love you, to take care of you… 364 days a year, 51 weeks a year, or halfway.’” It just put into a way I had never thought about before… my relationship with God should be like I am marrying him, like I am going to commit to him forever. So, with that thought process… I began writing my vows to God.

God,

Your grace is gratifying, your love is immeasurable, and your forgiveness is unending. You have loved me since the beginning of time; you have had faith in me since the day I was born. Unlike earthly and materialistic love, yours is never ending, unconditional, and undeserving. You have cared for me and watched out for me during moments I was struggling, moments I was wrong, and moments I felt pure satisfaction. When I turned against you, disobeyed you, and wronged you, you forgave me, you loved me, and you guided me. When I was afraid of the unknown, you encouraged me to not cling to worldly, familiar suffering but instead to rely on a love that was pure and perfect. God, my whole life you have been here craving a relationship with me and now I am standing here ready to commit to you for the rest of my life. I, Julia Frances Callahan, give my life to you. I promise to love you, stand up for you, and remain by your side until you take me into your Kingdom. I promise that through my mistakes, my sins, and my transgressions… that I will come to you for forgiveness and strength. I promise to not live up to this world, but instead live for you. I promise to fight a battle on a daily basis in order to follow your ways. As you have stood by me, I will stand by you. Although my love and faith is imperfect, I promise to love you in every imperfect way. I give you my life, and I give you my heart. I give you the number one place and priority in my life, and I surrender all to you. 

perfectly broken

It's been said that friendship isn't a big thing, but instead a million little things. I have truly come to know what this really means lately. God has really been challenging me these past couple weeks, he has been breaking me day in and day out, tempting me every waking moment, and testing me with every breath I take. But I haven't been alone... he has given me these wonderful people in my life who support me. People like my family, my sister, my brothers, my parents.... people like my friends, Kristen, Kd, Sarah, Sophie.... So many people that have been supporting me through everything lately, not for themselves but for me. 

Today was a rainy day again... and after work I went shopping with Kd. We went into Nordstrom Rack and both found a couple good things including some new rings :) We spent the afternoon shopping and getting coffee and catching up..... and the thing I love about Kd is that she let's me talk, and she tells me how it is. After our great shopping afternoon, she took me to her church in San Marcos and I wasn't really sure what I was in for. Before the speaker began his sermon he prayed for open hearts and ears... and I quietly asked God to open my heart and my ears to what he had to say... and he blew me away. 

The sermon was on David and Bathsheba... a story I had heard a thousand times, but somehow I heard it differently this time. After telling the story, the speaker took us to Psalm 51 which was David's Psalm when he was talking to God after he had punished David. 

The speaker took it word by word and explained it so perfectly. He broke down certain words and told us what each meant in the original context in Hebrew... I learned a few things...

First, I learned that inequity is a natural bend towards something we do wrong.... the fact that we were born with this internal sin, this idea of inequity was built into us, that we have this ongoing sin-nature, and that the actual word sin was taken from when an arrow strayed from missing the target or the mark.... 

Then he broke it down, on what sin actually was... and he broke it into 5 different points:

1. Sin... is a distrust in God. It is something we do against God directly, and it is us telling him that we have something better planned, that we have a better view of the world. 

2. When we sin, it is stated in the bible that death is the verdict, in order to pay for our sins we needed to die... but Jesus did that for us on the cross so we wouldn't have to die.

3. Sin is nature more than action, it is something planted in us since birth. Sin was never taught to us, instead it was something we have always had in the roots of our soul. 

4. Sin demands compassion and grace on others... Jesus didn't die on the cross for us to keep his compassion and grace selfishly to ourselves.... instead we should be sharing those with those who are undeserving, as we are. 

5. Lastly... God never asks you to be perfect... but he DOES ask us to be broken. 

That last one killed me, I literally felt my heart just shatter inside my chest...

Like I learned at Hume this past Summer... David was a man after God's own heart. David was probably one of the most imperfect people in the entire bible, who was named King and the ONLY man in the bible to have been after God's own heart.... and God didn't choose him because he was perfect, David wasn't a man after God's own heart because he was perfect.... but it was because he was broken. 

I wish I could sit here and restate everything the pastor said tonight... because I would if I could... but if it's anything I took from this... it's that I am so broken, and that I want to be. I want God to break me on a daily basis, and then heal me....

I want to be a woman after God's own heart, not because I'm perfect or live a perfect life... but because I am broken.... but I surrender completely to God. 

This video is Psalm 51.... I encourage you to listen and let it speak to you <3

xoxo,

Jewel

Come Clean

RAIN :)

I cannot even begin to tell you how amazing today was simply because of the rain.

I absolutely love rainy weather, I love bundling up in scarves, boots, with a hot coffee in hand... although I was at school today I made sure to get all my favorite things in. My friend Kd surprised me first thing this morning with the most adorable owl sleeve for my morning coffee...

At break, I ate lunch with Chris and grabbed a nice warm Cinnamon Dolce Latte... it helped me get through my last two classes.  It was actually pretty funny at lunch because Chris and I got approached by Abercrombie scouts to work there..... it was quite entertaining. I got home and got to spend some time at the piano, then got ready to get coffee with a friend. I wrapped myself in a warm scarf with boots and socks and I was good to go :) 

Blue Scarf

Curls :)

Leopard Nails 

This week I have a lot of plans... tomorrow night I am working then going shopping then church with Kd.... then Thursday I am going to the Jordan which I am SOO excited for... then Friday I leave for a nice little getaway to Lake Arrowhead! I am so excited, this is going to be an amazing week with amazing weather :) I am doing really well right now, finding my peace and satisfaction with God and not from worldly places. I pray that I will continue to do better and that God will take me where he wants.

<3 Jewels

Quotes of the Day...

Let go. Why do you cling to pain? There is nothing you can do about the wrongs of yesterday. It is not yours to judge. Why hold on to the very thing which keeps you from hope and love? 

People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.
 Change is never easy, you fight to hold on, and you fight to let go. 

The Aftermath

This is a poem I wrote yesterday when I reached my breaking point... but when I reached that point, I realized that I can only go up from here. At this time yesterday I felt broken, used, manipulated, and alone... and then, I found strength from God not only to make it through those moments... but to move past all this pain and hurt. Today, I feel good. I don't feel the need to look back, or to regret, or to hurt. I'm done hurting... It's not who I am. I am strong <3 

Well... here it is. 

I take my pain, I search my heart.

I search my past, and remember the start.

I search my soul, I feel my scars…

I feel alone under all these stars.

This familiar pain is back again,

I won’t lose this fight, I won’t let him win.

He broke me once, and broke me twice,

I gave him all, yet I pay the price.

Do I deserve to feel this pain?

Will I find a way to remove this stain?

What was love is gone and broken,

They were all lies that you had spoken.

I guess I’ll find my way with some time,

And I’ll look back and remember the climb.

What got me here, made me strong,

Even the lies, when you were wrong.

Pain is fuel for this long path,

And healing is found in the aftermath.

You’ll find you find strength when you are brave,

And I’ll win the race with a God who saves.

xoxo,

Jewels