Sunday: God's Day for Healing.

Well its Sunday, and I'm about to finish one of the most life changing weeks I have ever experienced. The past six months I have had the opportunity to experience happiness, love, and relationship. This week, I thought that all of those things were ending. What I have learned this week is that nothing here on earth is unfailing, nothing here is eternal. God's love is both unfailing, unconditional, and eternal and when I thought I had lost my happiness, love, and relationship...God has assured me that he can be my happiness, he can show me the kind of love no one can, and we can have a relationship to last a lifetime. I know that life isn't always going to be simple, and that nothing in life comes easy... But I need to find strength and confidence in my God. I am daily asking God for strength to make it through the day, and he has gotten me through the hardest part. I may feel alone, but I'm not. St. Augustine once said, "To fall in love with God is the greatest of all romances; to seek him is the greatest adventure; to find him, the greatest human achievement." The first step towards happiness is a smile, whether forced or real..."Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around." 

New nose ring, new smile, no makeup, no frown.

I know this road is bumpy, but I also know that this is the road--my road--to recovery. I am starting my life over, according to no one else besides God. 

Let's begin this week.

xoxo,

Jewels

Rascal Flatts - "I Won't Let Go" - 95.5 WPLJ

I Won't Let Go lyrics

It’s like a storm
That cuts a path
It’s breaks your will
It feels like that

You think your lost
But your not lost on your own
Your not alone
I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
If you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I wont let go

It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know it’s dark
This part of life
Oh it finds us all
And we’re too small
To stop the rain
Oh but when it rains

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
( From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/r/rascal-flatts-lyrics/i-won_t-let-go-lyrics.html )
And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight

And I won't let you fall
Don’t be afraid to fall
I’m right here to catch you
I wont let you down
It wont get you down
Your gonna make it
Yea I know you can make it

Cause I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
And I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let go
Oh I’m gonna hold you
And I won't let go
Wont let you go
No I won't

What I would give for a love like this...Someone to feel this way about me, someone to rely on. Does this even exsist? or do people always leave?

God, bless this broken road.

How do I shake this feeling of loneliness?  Or this empty feeling I have in my heart? Right when I start feeling like I am going to be okay it changes... the moment I'm alone the emptiness fills my body. I have lost 5 pounds, in four days... and my heart is torn, eyes are tired, and my soul feels empty. I know that only God can fill these feelings of rejection, emptiness, and give me hope. I know I am on the road to finding peace in my heart, losing insecurities, and learning how to love again. I have chosen to put all my focus on God, give him my heart and soul... because he won't ever turn away from me. God will always embrace my love, be thankful for my love, and accept me the way he made me. This morning I had my bible study, and I learned something that really caught my ear, "If someone handed you their invention, you wouldn't know how to work it or what it's purpose was... thats why you either look at the owners manual or better yet, as the creator of this invention." We are God's invention, he our creator, the owner's manual is his word of God... We aren't going to know our purpose or how we work... only our creator does. So although  I want to know God's plan for my life, I can't and I won't.... but that's faith isn't it? Putting your trust in the God of the Universe who knows better than us anyway. They say trusting someone is harder than loving someone and that trust is the way to the greatest love... something I think Aaron struggled with, trusting me and loving me to that extent. God wants me to trust him with everything I have. His plan will become clear to me more everyday, and eventually I will be able to shake this feeling of absence. After all, maybe part of loving is learning to let go...

As questions fill my mind about Aaron, I have to go to God for the answers.

He is my God.

He is my love.

He will heal this broken heart.

xoxo,

jewels

God will heal the broken-hearted.

Every day of this life is a journey, its a war. Everyday we fight for what we believe in, for what we love...and for who we love. As much as I wish I could plan my life out the way I want it to, it wouldn't compare to the plan God has for me. I know I am in a dark place right now, but I recognize the light at the end of the tunnel and I know that God leads me only to greater places. For even God says in James 1:2-6, "Consider it pure joy my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish it's work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to al without finding fault, and it will be given to him." As upset, sad, hurt, depressed, angry, and all those negative feelings Satan wants me to feel...I know God is fighting for me to pull me out of this. Who am I to stand up to the God of the universe and tell him my plan is better? This journey isn't going to be an easy one. I hope and I pray that maybe someday God will put Aaron somewhere down my path, with open arms and an open heart. I pray that even if Aaron isn't a part of my journey, that I be thankful for the time I got with him...because in the past seven months...Aaron Duane Baker changed my life, he changed my heart, and changed my soul all for the greater. As much as I'd love to hate him and be angry towards him, I love and respect him. He will go on his own journey, with his own two feet and find the man God needs him to be. I don't know my future, I don't know Aaron's future... But I'm going to begin healing, starting with prayer for both Aaron and myself. God will take the good with the bad, and make it better his plan...I know my future is bright and shining as long as I take this journey with God...God wants my focus, my heart, and my life and I guess the only way to give back to the God who gave it all for me, is to submit my life in return.

God please begin healing me, take my heart and mend it. God take Aaron's heart and form it and guard it...God I pray for only the best of things to happen in his life...and that letting go of him be a act of love and sacrafice and understanding. Help us both to lean not on our own understanding, but to rely on you, God. I pray for strength, and I pray for hope that daily we can recognize that you are in control. Lord you know the love I have in my heart for this wonderful man...and whether you give me the oppurtunity to love him ever again...God show him my love and make him aware of my unconditional love.

We will see where this road takes me.


xoxo,
Jewels

This song will forever bring back happy memories... sad tears of missing you... I'll always love you Aaron.

Haunted.

I would do anything to go back, I'd do it all again of God would allow it. I don't regret anything, but all I feel is sadness and anger, but mostly disappointment. Memories haunt me every moment, and the only time I feel at peace is when I'm asleep, which only comes in portions of an hour or two if I'm lucky. I'm all torn up inside. I made it through one class yesterday, then I couldn't make it.... My mom spent the day with me... Allowing me to just cry and she holds me, allowing me to just pour everything on her, all my confusion. My mom wakes me up every morning and assures me every hour how much she loves me and comforts me and tells me how wonderful I am. I'm thankful for her, for my family being there for me when I have no one.... It's so bad that I can't even tell my best friend... I can't talk to anyone, because I feel so hurt. I'm trying my best to believe that this is Gods plan... And this heartbreak was needed... Because when you love someone, it's enough... You don't just walk away from someone you love... A life without love will never be complete. The only love I can rely on, which I should have to begin... Is Gods. In this confusion, this pain, this hurt I'm trying to rely on God... Struggling with not hurting myself, I'm holding onto God and my family.

God please help me, help take away pieces of this sadness every day.... Help me to make it through today. Because God, as much as I love him and would give up my life for him... I need to let him go.

For Now.

Hey guys.
Things aren't going well on my end, and to say the least... I'm a disaster. Handling this, this idea of someone not being able to love me back the way i love them, is tearing me apart. A broken heart is never easy to handle, especially if it's a first. Giving your heart away and having them break it is probably one of the most terrible things I've ever felt.
I am probably not going to be blogging for awhile, so please keep me in your prayers.

xoxo,
Jewels

Tuesday.

Well yesterday wasn't a great start to the week, and to be honest... It's been a rough couple of days and not really getting any better. Aaron and I haven't really talked at all, he chose to ignore me all evening last night, so I tried to distract myself at my sisters house for a sleepover... Although it helped a little, felt the ache and heaviness in my heart. I've really been trying to rely on God, since there isn't anything I can rely on in this place. I'm trying my best to turn my mind off, but I'm beginning to feel drained. Part of me is scared about the outcome of all of this--actually a lot of me is scared... But what is love if you don't fight for it and tend to it? I'll be blogging everyday this week to help organize my thoughts.
Hope all is well out there.
Xoxo,
Jewels


2 Corinthians 4:16-18