Letting go.

What kind of person pretends to love them, says they want to marry them, spend their life with them, and tell them on a DAILY basis how much they love them... And it ends up being a lie. I would say he is a sad excuse for a man. Those that know me, know how much I loved Aaron, they know how I put my heart and soul into him... Did everything for him, gave everything to him... I thought I was on the road to marriage with this guy? God truly saved me from this person... And although it's left me hurting, feeling used and not good enough... I'm now on a road to not loving him and not caring about him. He took a part of me I'll never be able to get back, but I still have part of my magic in my heart... One day I'll find someone who will value me, someone who will love me truly for who I am... One day I'll find someone I deserve and who deserves me and all this pain won't matter. I'm letting Aaron go... He doesn't deserve any more of my time.

God allow me to fix my eyes on you and not to be angry and hurt. I know you are close to the broken hearted and that it's you who has to punish and judge. Please help me to pray for Aaron that you'll take his cold and transform it.

The night holds our memories.

Its a Saturday night and I'm laying on my couch, with a blanket, alone, and watching the food network... And all I can think about is all the times I did this very thing with Aaron. I swear, half of our relationship was spent on this couch, most of the time having tickle fights or listening to him snore. I feel alone tonight, my heart hurts, and my body feels so thrown off... I want to get past this stage, I want to reach some sort of understanding... I also want to just be on this couch, with this warm blanket, watching food network.. with Aaron. But the universe has made it clear to me that I don't always get what I want. I know this pain will fade with time, and my broken heart will be fixed one day... I just pray Aaron is happy, and I pray that he can be who he's always wanted to be... Even when I'm not part of it.

Sweet Dreams

Time won't let me go.

Well it's the end of another week and I'm glad I made it through another week. Today was a little harder.... Aaron deleted his blog today, and for me that felt like a sign of him letting go of me. He had a blog because of me and it really was the only place that he expressed his love towards me... It was never through Facebook or all that, it was through his blog, probably because I was the only person reading it. I don't think he was ever the type of guy to talk about me to his friends or family or any of that... Which is the opposite of me. On top of everything, I'm sick :/ that's what I get for treating my body the way I have these past two weeks...oh well. My heart hurts a little more tonight, and I'm trying to fill this emptiness in my heart.

Have a great weekend.
Xoxo,
Jewels

Best friends.

Hello friends.
So I'm at work today, and I am SO tired. It's been a long week and last night I went to Sushi and Clay N Latte for a girls night... It was so fun! I'll have to post pictures when I get home. After that, I had a sleepover with my best friend, Sophie. We talked for hours, I cried and spilled my guts to her and realized how thankful I am to have her around. It was hard talking about everything again, but she seriously knows me better than anyone... She knows how hard it is for me to just have the person I ever truly loved walk away from me... She knows how hard it is for me to let go, and she comforted me when I told her that I didn't know how to let go of someone who doesn't want me anymore. I missed my best friend... I truly am thankful for her company right now... She also pointed out that God wants a relationship with us, and god won't ever walk away from me and make me feel worthless and not good enough.

God, thank you for my best friend.

Long Live

Today, I found it hard to keep my mind busy. I had a really difficult time not thinking about Aaron. I allowed questions and theories flow through my mind and it made me feel uneasy. On the way home, I listened to a song by Taylor Swift. Lately, I have been crying less...and feeling a lot stronger. A few lines in this song gave me the goose-bumps...

Hold on to spinning around,

Confetti falls to the ground.

May these memories break our fall.

If you'll take a moment,

Promise me this...

That you'll stand by me forever,

But if God forbid fate should step in,

And force us into a goodbye,

If you have children someday

When they point to the pictures

Please tell them my name...

Tell them how the crowds went wild

Tell them how I hope they shine.

Long live the walls we crashed through

I had the time of my life with you

Long, long live the walls we crashed through

All the kingdom lights shined just for me and you

And I was screaming, long live all the magic we made

And bring on all the pretenders, I'm not afraid.

It gave me this feeling of closure and made me feel like my feelings made sense. Later on this evening I went to the gym with one of my friends and I was talking to her about it, and she noticed how upset and hurt I am and that I have a right to be and she said something that went straight to the heart.... "Don't make him a priority.... if he is going to make you an option." Right then, I realized that Aaron chose...he chose to live his life and grow up and be who he wants to be... and do all the things he couldn't do with me. I made him a priority... wanted to marry him, wanted to spend forever with him...and let me tell you, I hate goodbyes, and saying goodbye to him was the worst feeling ever...But I wasn't the most important thing in his life, I wasn't a priority...he didn't need me...

I'm at a place of confusion, and hurt... and when your heart is broken by the one you love, pain is expected, and confusion comes along with it. Questions build up in your mind, and sometimes we ask a question we don't like hearing the answer to... Did I matter enough to him for him to hold on?... was I that jewel in the rough for him?... or was I just someone else to let go?

It gets worse at night.

It's been a week. I feel like it's been longer than that...seven days? I have really only lasted seven days?...
Last night, I had a hard time falling asleep because I knew today was going to be difficult. In the middle of the night, I woke from a dream...crying. This has been happening often, and usually I don't remember what I am dreaming of....but last night I did. I dreamt that I was just with Aaron in his car, he was driving and holding my hand.. singing to me, and I was of course, laughing and enjoying the moment. Waking up from this dream, memories flooded my mind of Aaron and I... Car rides, tickle fights, our first date, our first kiss, our last kiss... I miss him. But how do you not miss someone like that? I'm hurting and all I want to do is to is wake up from this nightmare and hold him again. One day I can stand tall and feel strong, and the next day it all comes back. I lay in bed at night and hope that I'll dream of him so I can at least pretend for as long as I can that he is still here. So tonight, as the overload from school takes over my mind... I will lay in bed... and allow every memory capture my breath, because after awhile, I know memories fade... and I want to hold onto it as long as I can.

A friend showed me this video, helped me see a different side of things...

God will give me the strength tomorrow.

Jewels

Fix you.

It's the start of the week and today God blessed me with strength. When I felt the sadness come to my heart again as a I got in my car to come home, I quietly sang the song "I Won't" by Colbie Calliat... then I thought to myself about God and about life and how God shows himself to me throughout the day without even noticing. For example, its a cloudy and cold day in Southern California... and this is my favorite weather. God knew that today was going to be hard for me, and he blessed me with this weather. So as I get in my car and put on Pandora....... the first song that came up was "I Won't" by Colbie Calliat. God showed me right there that he has a hold of my heart and my life...he also gave me this realization...

God used Aaron to save me. There is a reason why we call him our "Savior" because that is what he does: he saves. The beautiful thing is that saves you in ways you don't recognize until God wants to use you to save someone else. I used to know who I was before Aaron, I was a shy, book-reading, facebooking, blogging, coffee kind of girl, I had no meaning to my life and I was ignoring God. As Aaron stepped into my life, I was brought happiness and shown love that I was so unaware of. All those love songs and fairy tale movies made sense. I could laugh with Aaron, sing with him, cry with him, love with him, and be happy with him. Where does this happiness come from? Or this love? God is the source of love and the source of life... and I never realized it until now. God put Aaron in my life to give me a glimpse of the happiness I could attain through God. God puts people in your life to change you, to help you realize who you are, and why your here. Matthew 11:28 says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." In this time of struggle and hardship, I came to God with my weary and burdened heart and he is healing me and showing me new things every day. God brought me Aaron, and God worked through Aaron for me and I hope that I was a light to him as well.... and it's time that I start putting trust in God and that kind of faith...because if he blessed me with someone like that in my life, I can't imagine the rest of the plans he has for me. I pray Aaron could be a part of my future, but my ultimate prayer is that he will find himself and find God and allow God to change him... to form his heart and heal his heart during this time.

We can all be strong with God on our side. God will fix you, if you let him take the wheel.