Do or Do not; there is no try.

I am officially done... completely finished with Aaron. I have heard way to much lately and I am just finished with him. I don't need someone like him in the back of my mind. I wish him all the best and will continue praying for his walk with God... but I am DONE with wanting him and loving him. I need to let go... because I realized that sometimes it is hard to be happy when we hold onto the things that make us sad. So I am done with wanting someone like that... it is time to move on... and I have to try and move on. I know what I need in someone and he is not that.
I had a pretty good and interesting day today, I heard from my friend Ezra last night when I was at my sewing class and then saw him again today and got to catch up with him which was really good! I also talked to Bryan, one of Aaron's friends who is in my history class and he was going through similar things with his girlfriend, and he was talking about how he realized he needs to be a spiritual leader in the relationship. Then I realized I wanted to make a list of things I would like and would need in a man, and being a spiritual leader is one thing I would need. I had lunch with Cole and Chris as usual and then after all my classes I grabbed coffee with Chris and drove him to his car which was off campus. It was such a beautiful day and coffee was the perfect way to end my day of classes.

I am finishing off the day with Kd and her friend Brigette at the Yellow Deli having some social time and homework time :) I love having all this girl time and being able to socialize with new people at school and friends I never took the time to get to know. Kd is such a great person to have around, I am really lucky to have someone new like her in my life. Tomorrow night we are attending worship night and thursday we are attending the church and I am so excited for Chris and Sarah to come!! And lastly on friday my sister finds out the sex of her little baby :)

God bless,
Jewels

Change

Happy Sunday <3 

I cannot even begin to tell you how much has been going on in my life. I feel like my life is changing day by day and I can't even control it any longer, but it's a good thing. God has this control over my life and I am only beginning to see what he is going to do with me. In case you haven't been reading, I've been on a roller coaster ride the past couple weeks and I had to let go of someone very close to my heart. 

Anyone and everyone who is a part of my life knows that Aaron has been a huge part of who I am for the past year... he was my first very serious boyfriend, the first man I ever really truly loved, the first person I could completely open up with, and the first person I completely gave my heart to. But our relationship reached the point where it was no longer healthy. I could sit here and point fingers and point out all the reasons it went wrong, and what we didn't do right... or I could seriously look at what it has taught me. Through this breakup, it has brought me to God, back to him at least. I realized I was relying too much on myself and Aaron... and not enough on God. I realized the only relationship I need in my life right now is the one I have with God. But through this realization comes pain and hurt, and letting go of someone that I truly care about. When I pray for my strength, I pray for Aaron's... and pray that he will also find his path with God and follow it. 

With school going 100 miles an hour, work, and dealing with this new change in my life... overwhelmed is an understatement and church today was a perfect way to refresh myself. My old pastor, Jeffery D. Johnson came and spoke at my church and I was moved to say the least. This was the pastor that brought me to God, who helped me pray the prayer of acceptance of God in my heart. Growing up, I would write him a letter every week and place it in the offering for him to read.... and he was back again. His words were so moving and I couldn't help but feel my heart pulling towards him... 

He works in the middle East and is a missionary worker that brings meals and the word of God to thousands of people over there... and I want to help him in some way. I have no clue what I would do... or how I would help, but I know that something is pulling at my heart to do so. 

This post is much longer than normal, I guess I find peace in writing sometimes.... it relaxes me and clears my mind. I hope to keep updating my blog to whoever reads my posts!!

God Bless,

Jewels

Quote of the Day

“You think fairy tales are only for girls? Here’s a hint - ask yourself who wrote them. I assure you, it wasn’t just the women. It’s the great male fantasy - all it takes is one dance to know that she’s the one. All it takes is the sound of her song from the tower, or a look at her sleeping face. And right away you know - this is the girl in your head, sleeping or dancing or singing in front of you. Yes, girls want their princes, but boys want their princesses just as much. And they don’t want a very long courtship. They want to know immediately.”
- David Levithan and Rachel Cohn.

Quote of the Day.

"Every once in a while people step up, they rise above themselves. Sometimes they surprise you, and sometimes they fall short. Life is funny sometimes, it can push pretty hard, but if you look close enough you find hope in the words of children, in the bars of a song and in the eyes of someone you love. And if you're lucky, and if you're the luckiest person on this entire planet, the person you love decides to love you back."

As You Turn Away

Boundless.

You think that because he let you go, your not worth holding on to. You think that because he didn't tell you that your beautiful, that you aren't good enough. You think that because he didn't fight for you, that you aren't worth fighting for. You believe that because he couldn't love you when he should have--that you are unlovable. You believe that his opinion of you is correct or accurate... and it isn't. We live in a world of people that we think can and should measure us.
We have this mindset that one person can decide our worth, our value, our happiness--One person can choose when it is okay to feel weak, and when it is ok to be strong. We put the power in someone else's hands to limit us, to bind us, restrict us--and then we believe that they have pinned us to who we are. It's easy to lose yourself in someone else... ever heard the phrase, "Be yourself, because everyone else is already taken"? Do you ever just read something and think it's so easy and in reach, and then when attempted it's not so much either of those? It's not always that simple to be yourself when you don't know who that is exactly. E.E. Cummings once said, "To be nobody but yourself--in a world that is doing it's best, night and day, to make you everybody else--means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting." It all ties back to who people make us, what other people think of us, and who they decide we are. Not only is this completely nonsensical--but it's completely false. Am I the only person that believes this? That it's completely pathetic to measure ourselves by these imperfect people of this world? If I want anyone's opinion, its God's. If I want to be measured by anything, it's for my love of God. In the end--all these worldly opinions and measurements will fade away and it will be God who decides who we are, it will be GOD with the measuring stick.
I've spent my whole life trying to measure up to people and the past year trying to be who someone else pinned me down as.
So he let me go, doesn't mean I'm not worth holding on to.
So he didn't tell me I was beautiful, I am.
So he didn't fight for me, I am worth fighting for.
So he didn't love me, I am loved. 
Maybe not to some egotistical, imperfect human being-- but I am loved by a God who makes me WORTH something... who is perfect, flawless, graceful, loving, and every other positive attribute there is.
I belong to a God who makes me boundless to this world, a God who makes me limitless with him by my side. And sometimes... LESS is more.

Fool me once shame on you, Fool me twice shame on ME.

Here is a piece of advice... LET GO when you are hurting too much, GIVE UP when your love isn't enough, and MOVE ON when things aren't like before...because surely there is someone out there who will love you MORE. I am finally done...

As I closed my eyes to pray last night, I asked God to come into my heart and mind and to bring me peace. I asked God to take control of my life and take control of this situation with Aaron. I asked God to heal me, forgive me, and renew me... And then, I asked for one last thing. I said, "God, I am lost and confused.. I don't know which way is right and which path is yours, please give me something or some sort of sign to direct me towards your plan." As I closed my eyes, I fell asleep... and woke up to what I asked for. I woke up to God showing me that Aaron is completely wrong for me.

I could sit here and feel sorry for myself, I could sit here and hate on him and how he destroyed me... but he didn't. He will not bring me down and even through my pain and my hurt... he will not have the control over me to keep me down, he has had that control for far too long.

I have learned that life is NOT easy, people are NOT who they say, and that people DO NOT change unless it is by the power of God. Now, I have trust in God... I believe that God took me out of this relationship and gave me the strength to walk away, because he has something better in store for me.

One day, I am going to find someone who is going to love me unconditionally. Someone who will fight for me and love me everyday, not just the days he chooses too. God is preparing that man out there for me, and one day when I am ready for that... he will place him in my path and all this pain and all these trials will dissapear.

I am worth more, and I deserve better. And there is nothing sad about this breakup, every exit is an entrance to somewhere. I am going to start the better part of my life, and the great thing is....

IM NOT ALONE.

Love,
Jewels

box of happiness

Ever wish you could capture a moment of happiness, or a moment of peace? Just take it, place it in a box and save it for a moment of weakness, or a moment of heartache. I wish I could do that sometimes, I wish I could reach for a box when my heart hurts, open it up and feel that happiness and peace once again to remind me that there is something better than this sadness. God gave us emotions but he also gave us self-control. At this point in my life I have to put aside what my heart wants and logically think about it and pray about it. All I know is that one of the greatest rewards in life is to love and be loved in return... but I also know that one of the greatest tragedies in life is to love and not be loved in return. But in these moments of weakness, or moments of heartache... instead of reaching for a box of happiness... I reach for God, the source of both happiness and sadness. Psalms 34:17-20 says, "When the righteous cry for help, the Lord heals and delivers them out of their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all of his bones; not one of them is broken."

xoxo,
Jewels

Hope & Love

Hope.
When you have too little of it, your life goes by without a real purpose or strive for greatness. When you have too much hope in something or someone, or maybe in yourself... You can be let down.

Love.
When you don't have it, you want it. When you don't have it, it's this fairy tale a dream... Something that seems like it could fix you or mend your hurt. When love has finally found you, is it true? If it is, can it last forever? Beyond the cruelty of this world, past the lines of people that will try and take it from you, through the years of change and struggle... Can it journey with you on this narrow path against the odds?

Hope and love.
Two powerful words, and even more powerful together. In hope we find love, and in love, hope. These cannot exists without each other. Love is the reason we can hope, the reason we can dream... We all hope to find love. We all hope that when we do find love it can last beyond the days of forever. But sometimes, we lose hope in lost love. We allow the world to live our lives for us and we lose sight of hope and love.

We take it all for granted sometimes, and sometimes we give the world this right to decide when we can love and when we can hope. There is NEVER a time and place for true love... It just happens, and If your lucky... The person you love, just might love you back... And in them you place your love, and in them you find hope.

Xoxo,
Jewels